[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: top:“self esteem starts coming back” bottom:”so does insomnia”]

Quick background, I’ve been suffering from cycles of self loathing since I was 7, and my depression started developing when I was 11. I’m halfway to 19 now. I’m also finally coming to accept my body, and my self esteem is building.

But it seems that my depression is what let me sleep, because I’ve actually noticed that whenever I have a day full of not hating myself, I tend to have have bouts of not being able to sleep for 30+hrs, and then sleeping for only about 6 hours before repeating the cycle. (I recall a three day bout of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time in 4th grade quite clearly)

Oh well, at least I’m starting to feel good about myself, right?

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: doctor thinks I might be depressed; has only seen me in hospital while drugged]

My doctor had the nerve to call me depressed when I was last in hospital. I had a tube up my nose which was giving me hourly drugs, and I was taking more disgusting drugs that I had to eat. I’d been in for  nearly a week with my horrible doctor, and he thought the fact I hated being in there meant I had been depressed for ages, and sent to a psychiatrist. Yeah, because when I’m stuck in hell for a week with a perverted doctor who told me my awful pain was all in my head a few months ago, I’m going to be on top of the world, aren’t I?

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Upside to having a chronic illness? It’s fun to organize your pill box”]

I hope I’m not the only person who legitimately finds it fun to organize a pill box. (“Upside” part was sarcasm. Obviously I find no “upside” to my Fibromyalgia.)

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “MY KINGDOM FOR A BLANKET DIAGNOSIS”]

Four “unrelated” conditions? Seriously? 

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Back pain causes anxiety causes back pain….repeat. Sick so often, friends think you’re bulimic”]

Sadly, this is true….I’ve been in so much pain lately that I’ve been vomiting every time I eat, and then passing out from not eating. I can’t win.

And to top it off, I’ve lost just enough weight in the last week (pain plus flu and viral infection) that my friends are noticing and trying to tell me “you aren’t fat, you can beat this, I believe in you, don’t let the bulimia control you.”

I’m just like “…..guys. I don’t have an ED. I’m just sick and in too much pain to keep food down.”

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “So many med changes, feel bad for pharmacist.”]

Every time I go, it’s something different and I have to run them through the last couple to make sure we’re on the same page. “I was on x, then y, but now z, because…”

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat. Text reads: “Can’t afford treatment without insurance / Penalized by insurance for seeking treatment”]

It wouldn’t be so bad if the insurance companies were at least honest about not giving a shit.

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat. Text reads: “Attempt to explain manic/depressive cycles to mother. Told to ‘Just get a grip on life’”]

My psychiatrist and I are trying to work through my worst manic episode in years. My mother is one that doesn’t see the need for psychiatry. As I’m trying to explain to her what steps we’re taking to make this manageable, she interjects with that gem. I hung up right then.

And she wonders why I don’t confide in her.

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “new side effect pops up. is it from the meds, or just another problem?”]

upped my dosage of depression meds just before the school year started. can’t tell if new insomnia problem is that, or stress, or just because my brain decided it didn’t have enough issues already.

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat. Text reads: “Drop pill on the floor. / Sigh, pick up the pill and swallow it anyway.”]

only having exactly enough pills to last until your next refill is bad. dropping one on the questionable dorm floor is the worst.

[Trigger Warning: Suicide]

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “TOP: Children can’t be depressed.; BOTTOM: Oh, okay. I guess you should go tell my 5-year-old me that she isn’t actually wishing for death.”]

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Too afraid to meet people because of social anxiety; depression worsens when lonely.”]

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “Read chronic illness cat blog. Use other cats to cross-check own symptoms.”]

I can’t possibly be the only one to do this.

[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat.Text reads: “”your room is always messy! i won’t tolerate this any longer! why do you have to be like this?” - i don’t know mom it must be the laziness”]